I MUST BE A MERMAID . . . I HAVE NO FEAR OF DEPTHS AND A GREAT FEAR OF SHALLOW LIVING
Today I want to give thanks. I’m grateful for all the people in my life. Even the ones who annoy me (ha ha). I’m grateful for those who share a little of themselves with me, be it a tale of an amazing trip recently had, a heartbreaking loss or a delicious little book they just read. I realize now you are all my biggest teachers. I’m grateful for the lovely spring rain today. The air smells different, like it knows this is it. Spring has sprung. I’m grateful for puffy, white clouds that sporadically change shapes. I’m grateful for pigeons perched on iron crosses like sentinels of Lexington Avenue. I’m grateful for little, independent books stores that I have to go in and special order books and be forced to exercise a little patience in getting my prized possession, as opposed to ordering from Amazon and getting it one day earlier than promised or going to giganormous Barnes & Noble and when I don’t find what I’m looking for I always have 5 gazillion other options to choose from (sometimes too many options is just not good). I’m grateful for all the hard lessons learned and to be learned. I’m grateful for the bitter pills I’ve often had to swallow. I see now they made me strong, resilient. I’m not the roll over and die kinda gal. I’m grateful I always maintained an optimistic point of view and although the glass has often seemed less than 1/2 full, it was more often than not more than I needed at the time. I’m grateful for a mind that won’t quit and a body that seems like its going to quit, but doesn’t. I’m grateful for all the mysteries still left out there for me to learn. I’m even grateful for the ones I know I never will quite figure out.
I wrote this back in March. I saved it as a draft while I was still at my 9-5 to be revised and finished when I had more time and energy. I was hoping for a couple of days. Today, almost three months later, I found it when I was finally ready to start writing again. I had written another article for today but I decided to post this one instead.
My life has dramatically changed since then. It’s strange to find yourself with an almost endless amount of time and yet, it is not endless. Hard to believe I still struggle to fit everything I love to do into my life. The difference is, the choice is now mine (then again, it always was, wasn’t it?). I choose how I spend my time. I choose whether I’m taking a yoga, art or writing class. I choose if today I’m doing housework, running errands, taking care of paperwork. For soooo long my time was dominated by a job and the unreliable commute to get there and back. I remember one day the trains were delayed 2 1/2 hours because of a derailment. 2 1/2 hours after being at work for over 8 hours, then food shopping and not to mention being up before 5:00am so I could fit in all the things I wanted/needed to do (workout, meditate, take the dogs out, make a healthy breakfast & lunch to take to work, reading and/or writing, etc). I now wonder how I did ANY of the things I enjoyed? Actually, I do know. I did everything half-assed and stressed out and tired and more often than not, the stuff I enjoy doing the most was pushed over to the side more and more each day until eventually I was barely doing any of the things I loved doing and I was resentful of everything and anyone that took me away from those things. I was becoming angry and bitter.
Today, June 11, I am more grateful than ever. I am grateful for being given this opportunity to clearly see what’s important to me and to learn how I wish to spend every day. I have the time now to really narrow down my priorities. When our time and energy is limited, sometimes the lines between what we need and what we want become very blurry and usually the most important things tend to suffer first and the most (our health – poor diets, little/no exercise + sedentary work life and little/not enough rest; our relationships and if we are really honest, our overall productivity, especially at work).
One of my baby brothers that I haven’t seen in over a year was recently here from Vegas. Although he’s been here before, we only spent brief moments together because I either didn’t have the time and/or energy to really spend time visiting with him and he was always here to visit his daughter, so both our times were somewhat limited. This time we actually got to spend some time together. I never would’ve been able to do that if I was still at my job. My brother will probably never know how precious that was for me. He’s my baby brother and to actually see and hear and witness how well he is doing . . . there’s no amount of Facebook, texting or Skype that can replace a face to face exchange between two beings.
Thank you for patiently reading this. Extra longwinded because … I like the sound of my own typing (ha ha). I leave you with this quote that I’m sure I’m fumbling up and I don’t remember who said but it’s a gem nonetheless:
Do more of what you love more often.